In December my publisher came out with an idea that I should ride on a big wheel with one of my readers as a gift. In my previously published book my main characters visit Coney Island every year that’s why they decided to give it as a gift. Actually I would had been say no like in 2016. My life was filled with “no”-s in the last three years. I said no to higher mountains (because climbing brought my heart rate up), I said no to closed places (mines, big wheels) and even I said no to go alone shopping or riding on a bus. But in 2017 I said yes to a lot of things I was previously afraid to do. I thought I will list down the twelve month with my brave acts. (spoiler: probably they’re just gonna be a brave act for me, but still). I think I realized in the past few years that I shouldn’t collapse under the weight of my weaknesses. Yep, I am an anxious person, I will stay that way. But still, I am brave, because I do the things I want to do, even they’re pretty terrifying for me. Still a long way to go, but hopefully I have some time left to figure things out.
January – I had four dental surgeries
I am pretty afraid of doctors (by mean: terrified even if they just want to measure my blood pressure), but I had pretty serious gum problems, so I needed four surgeries to save my teeth. I was petrified and the recovery was long, but after one year I can tell it was worth it. Before the surgeries I tried to avoid them and look for an another doctor’s opinion, it was just fear.
February – First book event
Naturally I am really afraid of public speaking, but in my home town I had my first book launch event with television interview and a talk with me in front of 30ish people. It was wonderful. My voice a little bit trembled for the first some minutes, but it was the best experience.
March – Four flights in two weeks
Oh, flying my love, my biggest fear ever. But this year in two weeks we visited Dublin then Barcelona. Still hate flying I am still struggling. But Barcelona and Dublin was wonderful.
April – I went for longer walks alone
I started to go on longer walks when I let go my agoraphobia a little bit. My husband goes by bus to work every day, so I started to walk for further and further to pick him up. It helped me a lot. Everything is in our mind, because before that I was shaking when I had to go out on the streets then I started to release the tension. I don’t have to go out, now I want to go out.
May – I went for shopping alone
It wasn’t a huge success at first. It was okay for me to go inside the shop and browse, but I was rather shaky when I had to pay. I had to call my mom to lead my trough this frightening process, then sometimes I just went into the shop, look at the butter that I needed and went out with empty hands. It’s not a failure, it’s funny even. But then I started to pay with cash (I don’t know why but paying with card was even more terrifying) and in November I actually went to Primarkt (huge, three storey big) and It was all okay.
June – Book events
In March and June in Hungary there are two book festivals. I was filled with doubts. I was afraid that nobody is going to come and what they are going to tell me about my books. But these book events are the best ever, I can talk to my readers face to face and I always get so much love and care.
July – We went to Wales by car
Yep, left-hand driving is a big thing for us. I haven’t got a license yet, but I always sit in the front seat next to my husband, try to navigate him. His license is new, so I am always afraid a little bit, but we survived the three hour drive. It was a really exciting trip.
August – I dyed my hair purple and went on a concert
Before thirty I tried some extra stuff. I was a little bit afraid but my hairdresser is the best ever, so it turned out really nice, but yep these colorful dyes just stay in for some weeks unfortunately. And I have to mention the concerts. When my anxiety was really bad I tried to avoid crowded places, and yeah a concert was a big no for me. But last year we went to Sziget Festival and enjoyed The Chainsmokers concert, and before that we went on Marianas Trench in February.
September – I went on a bus alone
Yes, one of my biggest fear ever. In September we went back to Cracow and I got on a bus alone and a tram as well. For me it’s a huge achievement after three year of avoidance. I was shaking, I had to talk to my Mom, but still I did it. Still a long way to go.
October – I visited London Eye and London Dungeon
Super creepy. The London Eye is too high, too closed in, but still the view was amazing (after like ten minutes I could enjoy it). And the Dungeon is creepy, frightening, under the ground. For the first half an hour I felt super bad and they have some rides too in the darkness. But still it was awesome.
November – I went on NaNoWriMo meeting
It’s hard for me to meet new people in new places. I am not a native speaker, sometimes I struggle to understand native British accent, but I am trying to connect, meet new people and bear down my fears.
December – I’ve got my first tattoo
That was quite frightening too. I am hypochondriac as well, so I was afraid the ink is gonna poison me or something like that. And of course I was afraid it’s gonna be ugly, but no. It’s beautiful and I am really happy with it.